[October 11, 2009]
If you follow Tila Tequila on Twitter (
@OfficialTila), you're aware that she can go off the deep end sometimes with her rants. Last week, she went a little too far, claiming she was fed up with the world and ready to commit suicide.
The disturbing tweets drew criticism from some of her followers, who accused her of posting the messages for attention while others showed genuine concern.
"I am going to kill myself cuz I don't want to life in a world where its filled with IGNORANCE! which majority of you ARE! & racists!" she threatened. "As dark descends into my world ... I drown at night, without a fight. One last breath before I go. Dont mourn me world, I will die slow."
In a blog entry on Russell Simmons' GlobalGrind.com, Tila explained herself in a post titled "Suicide Is Not The Answer", saying she was "embarrassed and ashamed that the whole world witnessed my very public meltdown."
The full post is below:
I just wanted to take a moment to address all of my fans and the people I care about regarding my recent public suicidal meltdown online. I don't usually issue statements to address rumors, but since Suicide is a very serious subject, I felt that it is my responsibility to come clean and speak out about it, as emotional and personal as it is. I feel like it is still my duty to take responsibility for my own actions. Sometimes I tend to forget that I am a public figure and with that, comes a lot of responsibility and suicide is not the type of message I want to send out. I always want to make sure that I am sending out positive messages so I felt that it's important for me to speak up this time. If I continue to ignore this and pretend as though it never happened, then I failed myself and my fans. This is not one of my proudest moments to be sitting here and explaining to the world something so emotional and personal, but I need to stop being selfish. This is not one of my proudest moments to share with the world, but maybe it can help save someone else's life who ends up reading this.
Recently I was involved in a highly publicized case of Domestic Violence, and I have never really spoken out about it. I do not want to bring this up again, however it has been a very difficult situation for me. Not being able to speak to people about it in public, and having to pretend to move on (with life) as though nothing ever happened, has taken a heavy toll on me, physically, as well as mentally. It has been a tough recovery process and I try to take it all in day by day because dealing with all of this in the public eye, and getting scrutinized by the media can be very hurtful. I have tried my best to stay strong and try to move on with my life, but because of the post traumatic stress that I have suffered from that incident, and the tremendous amount of pressure from the media scrutiny, I finally had a public meltdown. For one person to have to deal with the weight of the world on her shoulders, it's not as easy as one may think. I didn't allow myself time to fully recover and take it easy. I kept pushing and pushing myself until I became mentally exhausted. On the outside I would put on a smile so that my fans and family wouldn't worry about me, but on the inside, I was falling apart. I didn't give myself a chance to rely on anyone for emotional support and therefor, I became isolated. So I just want to say that I am very sorry if I worried my fans and all of the people close to me, because the last thing I want to do is hurt them or send out the wrong message. I have been seeking medical attention because I know that the little girl inside of me still has a lot to live for. I am slowly, but surely, picking up all of the broken pieces and trying to put it all back together again. All deep wounds take a lot of time to heal, but most importantly, it takes strength and courage. I just want to let you all know that I very much appreciate all of your love, support and prayers. Sometimes people tend to forget that "celebrities" are humans too, and every once in a while, we tend to have a meltdown. Luckily for me, I am now surrounded with all of my friends and family who are showing me a lot of support. I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that the whole world witnessed my very public meltdown about being suicidal, but at the same time, I know that I shouldn't be. I believe that it was God's way of trying to help me because it is not my time to die. Had I not spoken out for help, my loved ones would not have seen my cry for help, and I probably wouldn't be alive today to write this letter to you. Had I not done what I did that night, I most definitely would have made the biggest mistake of my life, that I can never undo.....
With that said, what I have learned from this is that life is such a precious thing and we must not take it for granted! The fact that I am still alive today, to be able to wake up and see what the world has to offer me, I have never appreciated a day more than today!
So for everyone else out there who feels suicidal for whatever reason, please know that there's nothing in life so bad that it's worth taking your own life. Just know that you are not alone and no matter how bad things seem to get, things can only get better...you just have to have faith and stay strong. If I can survive this, then so can you! God put us all here, every single one of us for a reason....and you just have to ride it out. Suicide is not the answer. It is a cowards way of giving up. Choose life because you have the power to change it! You have the power to write out your own happy ending in the story that you are living to tell. We all must remember that tomorrow comes after the dark, and everyday is a new day! After the storm passes the Sun will always be there to shine on you once again! We have only one life to live, so why not give it a try? It takes a stronger person to fight through the hard times, then take the easy way out!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! God Bless!"
Sincerely,
Tila
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